We know the saying “change is a good thing” and I believe it is. Some people don’t like change and that’s fine, but I have a fear of missing out on something I may love if I don’t take a chance or change something. My anxiety chiming in as usual.
It isn’t always some big change though.
If you know me, you know I have a different hair color and style constantly. I started coloring my hair when I was 11 years old, the summer before 6th grade. One of the things I used to try and convince my parents was telling my mom “But I’ll look more like you!” I wanted to dye my hair red and my mom has red hair. I just wanted any color besides my own. Which there isn’t anything wrong with it (yet I still won’t go back to it), but I wanted something to change about me so badly. I wanted to stand out.
Once I started, I couldn’t stop, which a lot of people that color their hair will tell you. Then I started changing everything about me. New hair, new clothes, new make up, new likes, new hobbies, etc. I know most girls (and any adolescent) at this age do this, but I feel like I still have the same mentality every time I change something about myself.
I still do this quite often where I change my hair color and style completely, and “drastically”. I had my hair bright red for a long time, at two different periods in my life. I just had purple hair for a year and just went back to brown and blonde again. I get really bored and feel like an actual boring person if I don’t do something different with my hair after a while.
I remember my freshman year in high school I had long, bleached, bright blonde hair. I got my braces off, chopped off a foot of my hair, and dyed it dark brown the same night. People didn’t recognize me at first at school and I got so many reactions; I loved it.
I love changing where I live now, too. Not necessarily the geographic area, but a new place. I love the city, sometimes I love the suburbs. Sometimes maybe I think I want to be somewhere completely new. A new state, a new city.
I’ve caught myself thinking often now, am I just never satisfied? What am I chasing? When will I feel “settled” and just be okay with what I’m doing?
Change is a good thing, but is too much change still a good thing?
Am I not actually happy? Or is it just my anxiety and compulsions taking over?
Is it those thoughts that have me worrying if I don’t keep changing, am I missing out on something? If I don’t keep changing things, what if I never feel satisfied and can stop?
I don’t know the answer if there is something in my life I am truly not happy about or if it’s my racing thoughts constantly clogging up my mind, but I’m working on it.
I don’t feel I am alone in this forever chasing happiness feeling. Some days, I truly am happy and content with where I am. Then my anxiety creeps in and makes me feel I am only settling, I can be doing more.
I might not figure it out today, but it always takes longer than that, right?
-Riley
